Im at strip club and am horny
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
