good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
