But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We got so high we made milksteak
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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