And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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