I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
