whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
