I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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