You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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