Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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