he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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