I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
