I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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