Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
