Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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