She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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