First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
