not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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