I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
