Swine flu. Run for my life!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
