How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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