I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
