He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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