Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
