Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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