Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
