Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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