listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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