I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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