Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
