just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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