it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
