I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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