Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
