I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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