my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
