please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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