Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
