my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
