I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
