1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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