My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
