Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
