So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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