Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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