Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
