that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
