I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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