When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My cat gives me a boner
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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