who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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