hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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