I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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