that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
