So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
